The Most Under-Rated Mental Health Fix Anyone Can Do
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We still don’t understand exactly where thoughts originate. What we do understand is that our thoughts — the voices in our head — have a profound effect on us. The stories we tell ourselves affect our moods, which affects our perception, which then affects our behavior.
There are all kinds of stories we tell ourselves about the world. The hope is that we mostly tell ourselves helpful stories. But if you’re like me, somewhere along the line you learned that being hard on yourself would challenge you — make you tough. And being tough is what’s needed to get through the difficulties in life.
You’re so strong
At first, it seemed like being hard on myself was a good strategy. Once friends and family learned about my struggles, I was told repeatedly how strong I was.
However, after decades of struggle and trying to tough things out, I got tired… and the difficulties kept coming. Of course, I didn’t share with anyone that I was having trouble. I was afraid people might think I was weak.
As my symptoms worsened, my inner dialogue became more cutting and cruel.
Since I was too tired to fight, my harsh self-talk no longer lit a fire under my butt. Instead, I was chipping away at my confidence. Before too long I had bullied myself into a depression with chronic anxiety.
At one point, the everyday stuff became so difficult that taking a shower was on my to do list. I was afraid to leave the house because I couldn’t predict when I’d start to shake or cry uncontrollably. This had never happened before. I’d always been so strong.
I didn’t know it yet, but I was experiencing PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). What I did know was that it was time for me to reevaluate how I navigated through life — my old ways simply stopped working. What was going on?
Culture and beliefs shape our inner dialogue
As we experience the world in our young adulthood, we develop patterns of thinking. These patterns of thinking often mimic how the adults in our life handled things when we were kids. When we were kids our beliefs and attitudes were molded by exposure to a variety of cultures: our family culture, school and work cultures, as well as generational culture that comes through in our peer groups and various media.
Some beliefs and attitudes we’re aware of and maybe even proud of. Other beliefs we didn’t even think to question — it’s as if we were born believing them. Then there are attitudes we naturally rebel against because we want to be different from our elders or stand out amongst our peers. Some beliefs we just jettison because they’ve become socially unacceptable or are no longer applicable.
The funny thing about being human is we have a tendency to take on a jumble of these beliefs and form them into our identity. All of our beliefs and attitudes shape our inner dialogue.
And it’s our inner dialogue, the stories we tell ourselves, that we have to be the most careful with
because we have a natural bias to believe these stories more than any others.
Even if the facts are right in front of your face, if they oppose what you want to believe, you’re still more likely to side with what you want to believe over the facts. Put simply, whatever stories you tell yourself are the stories likely to make the most sense to you. Because of belief, because of identity, your self-talk and the stories you tell yourself have an incredible power to either help you or harm you.
Don’t be a pussy
I was raised in a culture that embraced phrases like pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and suck it up… the general attitude was don’t be a pussy.
Being independent is necessary but so is having a healthy network of supportive people. We aren’t evolved to go it alone all the time. We’re much happier and healthier when we’re able to support each other.
When we isolate, when we think we need to be able to do everything on our own, when we feel shame in having to ask for help, we run the risk of warping our inner dialogue and looking at the world through a skewed lens. Then our behaviors start to reflect our warped stories. Untreated trauma starts to leak out and it can feel like you’re losing your mind when distorted thoughts reign.
Here’s what I learned after seeing a therapist:
1. You are not your thoughts.
Just because you have thoughts doesn’t mean you should believe all of them, especially if they’re crappy thoughts about yourself.
When negative thoughts plague your mind take a minute to examine them. The key is to do so without judgement. Instead, try using a healthy dose of curiosity:
What are your thoughts trying to tell you? How do they benefit you? How do they make you feel? Would you rather feel differently? Are these thoughts something someone told you? Do you really believe them? When did you start believing these thoughts? Would you rather believe something different?
Sometimes our thoughts present themselves as an authority over whatever circumstances you’re facing.
By examining your thoughts without judgement and questioning them you deconstruct their authority. You also detach your identity from the thoughts enough to make room for a more balanced perspective.
2. Watch your language — Reframe.
If your inner dialogue is any variation of what a f*** up you are, that needs to change. Try reframing your thoughts. Ask yourself would you talk to a child or your best friend this way? If the answer is no then rethink your language and reframe it to be more helpful.
Ask yourself is what you’re thinking the truth? Chances are you’re not stupid, but you probably are frustrated, for example. Next ask yourself what would be more helpful to focus on right now? Maybe you need a break. Maybe you need to eat something. Maybe you need to review the information you have.
Beating yourself up is a poor use of energy.
Reframing works because you’re pausing to acknowledge that something different is needed. That pause enables you to problem solve. It’s proactive and self-regulating.
It’s important to be patient and kind with yourself. There will be times in life when all you’ve got is you. When you have to stand alone, you need to be able to tell yourself you’ve got this and believe it.
If you start monitoring your inner dialogue and actively reframe it, pretty soon it’ll become a habit. And your new habit will boost your confidence.
3. Notice the facts.
Our thoughts aren’t only about ourselves. They include the people in our lives and complex circumstances too. The more people involved and the more complex the circumstances, the more difficult decision making becomes.
Wouldn’t it be nice if life always handed us all the information we needed exactly when we needed it to make the best decision 100% of the time?
Sure, that would be great, but we all know that life doesn’t work that way.
When we don’t have all the information we need, sometimes we create stories to fill in the gaps we don’t know. This is useful because often in life we have to make decisions without all the facts present. These stories help us to problem solve through situations even when we don’t have all the information. But sometimes the stories we tell aren’t helpful. For example:
You get a text from your mom telling you to call as soon as you get this message. She’s been having health problems so your head is instantly flooded with doomer thoughts about ambulances and hospitals. When you call her, she says she’s at the mall and there’s a great sale on shoes. She’s sure she found you a pair that you’ll love but forgot what size you wear.
In a situation like the above, it’s natural to feel worried and fear the worst-case scenario. Ideally, we’d use that worry to make preparations to lessen our stress when the inevitable happens. Ideally, we’d feel relief that the worst-case scenario wasn’t happening now. And in an ideal world we’d appreciate our loved ones while we can (especially if they’re willing to spring for a new pair of shoes).
We create stories all the time
But all too often we can get stuck in the fear response. While we create stories all the time, the stories we tell ourselves when we’re worrying or feeling insecure can get pretty dark and swim round and round in our head. This is called ruminating and it’s no bueno.
If you catch yourself going down a rabbit hole of dark thoughts, try to pick out the tidbits in your stories that are facts. Stick with just the facts and kindly acknowledge that yes, you’re worried. Reassure yourself that you’ll get more facts when you can.
This works because it increases the blood flow to your brain…
Next, take some slow deep breaths. Notice if you are holding any tension in your body. Imagine that you’re blowing the worry out of your body as you release your tension and slowly exhale. Then crack on with your day.
This works because it increases the blood flow to your brain, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system promoting calmness, and it slows your heartrate.
Once you get more facts, once you take the time to eliminate the ruminating, you’ll be able to make thoughtful (not reactionary) decisions about what actions to take.
4. Use affirmations.
Most people I know cringe at this. I know I did. Even after I’d read study after study that affirmations work, it wasn’t until my therapist made me do it that I tried them. And once I finally started saying them, it took days before I didn’t feel cheezy and weird saying nice things to myself in the mirror.
The thing is, no matter what the story, if we repeat it often enough we’re likely to start believing it.
So, we might as well tell ourselves good stories.
The key is to find positive things you can believe in and to show up daily and say those things. Also, it helps to use the positive present tense I am as opposed to I will, I have, or I am not. You can say them out loud to yourself or write them out over and over again.
I decided to work my affirmations into my morning routine.
It doesn’t sound difficult but because of the way I was raised, affirmations were a joke and suddenly here I was doing them. But you know what, after I got through my awkward feelings, they worked… and they worked quickly. Within weeks my negative thoughts were fewer and they stopped having any power over me.
Looking at yourself without self-criticism
I don’t remember anything in the studies regarding affirmations specifically saying you get better results if you say them while looking into a mirror. But I do remember noting from other studies that people are predisposed to believing in what they see. So, try looking into the mirror as you repeat your affirmations.
Plus, if you do your affirmations while looking into the mirror, you get the added benefits of looking at yourself without self-criticism.
I know I’m not alone in this — at some point looking in the mirror became synonymous with finding something wrong with my face. You are not your zit. If you look into the mirror while saying your affirmations, you start to really see yourself.
Remember, it’s important to use affirmations to improve your inner dialogue, which boosts self-confidence, which helps you take action toward your goals. Affirmations aren’t effective for controlling the outside world — the universe is not your butler no matter how nicely you talk to yourself. Likewise, your goals will not be met if you don’t take action toward them.
In conclusion…
Our self-talk should take on a supportive role helping us get through life’s challenges.
Berating yourself is unhelpful wasted energy that will probably cause mental health issues in the long run.
Remember that you are not your thoughts.
Reframe your negative inner dialogue.
Pay attention to the facts.
Tell yourself helpful stories.
Learning to be patient and kind with yourself is probably the most underrated mental health fix that anyone can do.
It helped me, I hope this helps you too.
*Disclaimer* These techniques alone did not heal my PTSD, chronic anxiety, or depression. They are some of the science backed tools I learned through regular therapy with professionals that practice CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skills. If you suspect you have a mental health problem please seek professional help — it’ll change your life.
© Cherie Fournier 2023