Learning these things helped a freind of mine, maybe it’ll help you too.
Photo by Milada Vigerova Unsplash
**Trigger warning** This article contains brief stories about death, including suicide.
I’ve experienced many an untimely death. In a way, my life has been shaped by untimely death. My mom died before I was two years old. She was only 20. My Aunt was also killed in the same car accident. My dad was the driver. Even though he survived, he also kinda died. He was only 19 but he lost the love of his life and his sister. He felt responsible for both of their deaths. He never bounced back from that. I suspect most people wouldn’t.
It’s sad, I know. And the story gets sadder. But that’s for another day.
Everyone is different and every death is different. As you go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) you may find that they don’t neatly arrive in order. Nor do you necessarily feel one feeling at a time. The feelings of each stage can vary in intensity and some stages may last longer than others. You may even get stuck in one stage or repeat some stages multiple times.
To me, grief is like a little animal gnawing your insides demanding to be freed. There are consequences for keeping this animal caged. One way or another, the animal, your grief, will find a way to get loose.
Grieving is not an orderly process and it’s not always about someone dying. You may be going through a divorce, losing your house or business, experience a life changing accident, or maybe your health collapses — any big loss that changes the course of one’s life means grief is sure to follow.
I can’t tell you how to grieve. No one can.
Instead, I want to share with you what you can expect from those around you. Because personally, I’ve been shocked by the things people do and don’t do. This shock can pile on to your already difficult process.
My girlfriend went through something horrible. She came home one day to find her fiancé hanging from the ceiling. He wasn’t just her fiancé; he’d been her best friend. From junior high on, they’d fallen in and out of love with each other. They’d finally gotten engaged to be married in their early 30’s. Then, with no warning, he was — dead.
Of course, she was a mess. But she got through it. She told me it helped her to know what to expect from those around her. She said knowing these things helped because the feelings evoked by others while she was grieving could then be used more constructively. It helped her to not take the things people did (or didn’t do) so personally.
Below are the patterns your village will probably display if you’ve recently experienced a big loss:
1. You’ll probably feel overwhelmed with support from people in the 1st month.
People you haven’t heard from in years may come out of the woodwork. They’ll say nice things to you, hug you, kiss you, call & text you, send you flowers & cards, and make food for you. This sounds nice and it is. The problem is that often it’s during the first month that you’re so disoriented all you want is to be left alone.
2. After that 1st month — crickets.
The people closest to you, your inner circle will probably remain. But compared to the first month it gets awfully quiet. It may feel like people are avoiding you. They probably are. Not because they don’t care about you, but because they don’t know what to do anymore, or how to relate. Death or some other catastrophic loss is uncomfortable for most people because as a society we’ve forgotten how to deal with this kind of thing.
3. After 6 months, nobody will be there for you, not even your inner circle (probably).
It sounds cold, but people start feeling grief fatigue and expect you to move on — because they have — and so does life. This doesn’t mean you should be “over it” but you might want to take an objective inventory of your process. Ask yourself which stages have you moved through? Do you feel you’ve processed your emotions? Are you making progress moving forward in baby steps? Are you avoiding intense emotions? Are you ruminating on certain thoughts/feelings or feeling stuck in a particular stage? Is the world still shades of gray or are colors starting slowly to come back? There’s no time requirement you need to fulfill. Grieving takes however long it takes. But you know yourself better than anyone and if you feel stuck and your support network isn’t helping, maybe it’s time for professional help.
4. You may lose friends, good friends (or so you thought).
If a close friend or family member has an event that’s important to them and your grief gets in the way, that may be all it takes to be on the outs.
I had a close girlfriend that was there for me when my dad killed himself. And at the same time, I was there for her (multiple times) when she had boyfriend problems. Four months later she and her boyfriend decided to move out of State. They had a going-away party. I got all dolled up and went to the party. It was bumping and a lot of shiny beautiful people were there. The night promised to be fun. My friend introduced me to a stunningly handsome man and left us alone to chat. I started to have a panic attack and excused myself. I left the party and went home. I was hugely embarrassed and called her when I got home. She didn’t answer. Her boyfriend said she was too hurt to talk to me and admonished me for being weird. She didn’t forgive me and I never heard from either of them again.
But you know what? Good riddance! You need to know who your people are.
5. Some people will try to make your grief about them.
They won’t understand your process. They’ll try to fix you in order to reduce their own discomfort. If you don’t want their help, they may take it personally and even become angry with you. In this situation you need to have good boundaries. Realize that your process is your process and nobody else’s. Be honest. If you want their help, tell them what you need specifically. If you don’t want their help, tell them that their help isn’t helping and they need to stop. The key here is honesty. Not niceness, not meanness, just pure unadulterated honesty.
After my step-dad died (he’d been sick with cancer for a few years) my step-mom (my dad remarried when I was 3yrs old) became fixated on the fact that I hadn’t cried when he died. She obsessed over it and tried to get me to cry every time we talked. Finally, I told her the truth. Most of my grieving process was done while he was alive and sick. The truth was that I was relieved that he’d died and was no longer suffering. Truth was I was only sad for her, grandma, and grandpa. Because everyone else seemed to have said and done what they needed to in order to come to terms with his impending death.
That may have sounded harsh but it was what she needed to hear to focus on her own grieving process. I ugly cried a year later, out of the blue. He was a great man.
6. Most people will get it wrong.
Some people will treat you like a fragile baby bird when all you want is to feel normal. Some people will treat you like nothing happened when all you want is to be held and cuddled. There will be times that nobody gets it right and it’ll feel like you’re alone. You are. You are alone. Except maybe your dog or cat will understand. The truth is that you may not know what you need and mixed signals are sure to happen. That’s okay. Try your best to be clear when you can.
7. Some people may choose this time to kick you when you’re down.
Thank them (in your head) and excuse yourself. Either they just did you a favor and showed you their true colors or… they’re grieving too and they lost control of their little grief animal which was then launched at you. Either way, if you have the wherewithal, it’s best not to engage. If you feel the need to address an attack wait until you and the other party are calm so you can have a productive conversation. But if the attack was meant to harm you so that the other party could gain from your pain, you’re probably better off cutting them loose.
8. If there are possessions and/or any money involved, buckle up, it’s sure to get ugly.
You and your family may be close but dividing up money and possessions is a surefire way to screw all that up. Even if there is a clear Will and Testament there will most likely be enough friction to permanently change relationships. It’s sad, but it’s not at all uncommon.
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Dealing with pain is a part of life.
Hopefully you have a supportive network. Hopefully you don’t experience any of these things. But, from what I’ve learned in my life, most people aren’t prepared to deal with their own grief, let alone someone else’s grief, even if they have experienced the same kind of loss.
If you are currently experiencing a life-changing loss, please take really good care of yourself. This means eating nutritious meals, getting exercise, continuing to bathe, and allowing yourself time to grieve and heal. One thing I’ve learned the hard way is that trying to shove your feelings aside because they don’t fit neatly into your life can damage your mental health. If you can, seek out professional assistance. This could save you from years of bumbling through the process trying your best to figure things out on your own (like I did).
If you don’t have a support network and you can’t afford therapy Google “free grief support groups near me” or call/text 988 (National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) and someone can direct you to the proper resources in your area. YouTube also provides helpful videos from therapists and life coaches.
You can get through this. Persevere.
© Cherie Fournier 2024